Late Night Phone Call

I got a phone call, last night that I didn't answer. It was an area code I didn't recognize, so I let it go to voice mail, and frankly forgot all about it.

After speaking to Cowboy, I was no longer sleepy (interesting phenomena - when he calls, I am almost ALWAYS asleep or very nearly so - by the time he's ready to fall asleep, I'm wide awake... let's pretend this has NOTHING to do with who the more interesting one is to talk/listen to...)

Anyway - I decided to listen to the Voice Mail, and it was from a lovely lady named Julie, who works for The Village in North Dakota. This was one of the three main stops I made on my Road Trip, last summer. Well, the stop was Bismarck, the place where I was adopted, to see what I could find out. And it was in Bismarck, back in July, that I filed my forms to get the biological parent information ball rolling.

A month later (end of August), I filed the rest of the forms, and began to wait for a letter in the mail, hopefully telling me some sort of non-identifying information. It is considerably more expensive for the Identifying Information, and frankly, if she's dead, that would be a waste of my hard-earned cash.

Every day, Sundays aside, (a bit embarrassing, perhaps, to admit?) I open my mailbox with a bit of hopeful optimism - wondering if today will be the day that I find out if there's anything to find out. Every day there is nothing. That whole "hope disappointed makes the heart sick" deal - day in and day out. I'm not TRYING to torture myself - but every time I open the mailbox, the thought flits through my head, "What if there's a letter from The Village?"

Now, let's talk about non-identifying information: ethnicity, race, medical history, when Biological Parents(BP) were born, level of education, and possibly the reason why. No name, etc.

Let's talk about what my parents were given when they adopted me. A girl. That's it. Probably/possibly/maybe Armenian/Austrian descent.

I'm actually a fan of closed adoptions. I think that the last thing a child needs is to HAVE to think(Which, trust me, they would), "Wait a minute. You're my mom and dad. But THEY'RE my mom and dad, too? Which one is the REAL one?" That's not a place I think a child even needs to go to. However, to know the story of why is not a bad thing, at all. A good thing. A bit of closure, if you will.

So - the voice mail from Julie last night said that she has the letter with my non-identifying information, and it will go out in the mail in the next days...

Yes, I called to see if I could get a copy of it faxed to me. I got her voice mail.

Not sure what I'm thinking/feeling, at this point. On the one hand, I've been waiting forever, so finally, right? On the other hand, I've had this pretty nice little fantasy going about "We loved you, but just knew you needed a better life than what we could offer"... that might not be the case, at all. I've always wanted to thank her for the gift of my parents - but she may not be interested in hearing that, at all. Also, I don't want someone who wants to be like a "second mother" to me. I HAVE a mom AND a dad. And they are amazing. But, still I'd like to know.

And oddly, in the past few weeks, really, I have laid any hopes to rest. So now, we shall see what we shall see.