SERIOUSLY!?

What in the world?!?

I can only think of that verse when Paul says, "You were running a good race? Who cut in and kept you from obeying the truth?" Well, I could only remember up to "who cut in", so I looked it up, and saw verse 8, also that says, "That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you."

Good words. I have been having a great past few months. Probably more than that, but the past few have been particularly good. Feeling strong, happy, content, peaceful, dealing with anxiety over my "full-time temporary employment status", knowing that God always HAS taken care of me in the past, so why wouldn't He now, etc.

And then yesterday, out of the BLUE, I felt like I got hit by a TRAIN - and I didn't think I put myself on the tracks. And it wasn't one particular thing, really.

But, I DO know what it all boils down to - the same old battle. Fear. I'm not good enough, I need to be careful, I need to make sure I don't mess it up (whatever "it" happens to be = fill in the blank) - and this of course, is really not fear as much as it is pride, right? Pride - I can do it all by myself (whatever "it" is).

Sick. Pathetic. Blech.

So, what do I end up doing? Crying. No, seriously. In Lowes... because I was tired and frustrated and going in to buy a mailbox post.I have a friend who is going to help me install it Saturday, (since it was run OVER two weeks ago... thanks for the "Sorry I knocked over your mailbox"), so I thought I'd go pick one up. There were TWO LOWES GUYS standing not 15 feet from where I was, and they were talking to each other. ANd they saw me, because we made eye contact. These posts are on a shelf 3 feet off the ground. Okay - at 5'2", this doesn't start well for me. So I lean it forward, but it gets caught on the rope they have there (to keep them from falling over?...), and so I have to try to maneuver it under the rope, and when I lean it back, it hits the back shelf and something falls off on the next aisle over (I heard it clatter to the ground) and THEN one of the Lowes guys walks over and says ( oh, SERIOUSLY?!?! he SAYS this to me??!) "What are you breaking?" I was so IRRITATED! I said, "You know, couldn't care less". (GREAT RESPONSE!) And he WATCHES me lift the post and take it off the shelf, and oh yeah, THEN, when I'm HOLDING it, and get it ON the cart, he tries to move it so it will stay on. And I'm thinking, "Yeah - ton of help, aren't ya?" And I say, "Thanks" and walk off and am just so irritated that
1) I didn't go up to one of them and ASK for help in the first place and
2) That I couldn't do it myself and
3) That as I'm walking off I start CRYING... seriously?!?

So, I compose myself and decide that I am going to buy some flowers for my yard - because what girl doesn't like flowers.

I find some great flowers, and am happily standing in line to pay, and this sweet young 22-ish year old boy with his many tattooed arms is checking me out, and he says (in this sweet, kind voice) "Ma'am, we have some plastic over there if you'd like some for your car, so it doesn't get dirt on it." And... I start crying. Because he was nice...

BROTHER!

So, I went home, had an irritating phone call with someone who owes me money, and is being very controlling in how he pays it (just enough to say he's paid, but dragging it out so it seems it will NEVER be over), and decide I am not in a position to be worth anything to anyone, so I went to bed at 10. So I could get up at 4:30 to take a friend to the airport.

All that to say, I let someone cut in on my race, and am trying to deal with the pride that I didn't see creep in, and why can't I just be a better person?! Oh - right, that's why I need a Savior. So thankful that He is patient and good and doesn't give me what I deserve.

Today will be better.