Monday, October 25, 2010

Regarding Adoption

My class is drawing to a close. It has been a long, but very, VERY fruitful 13 weeks, thus far. Graduation is on Friday - which means, yes, I get to kiss Cowboy (FINALLY!) And of course, it means so much more than that.

There is a list of things I have to have for Graduation. Things that we've known about since the first day, and have been given the tools to find, create, arrive at (yes, I know - bad grammar).

Purity ring: Check
Dress: Check
Life purpose: Check
Life Scripture: Check
Name meaning: Check

Saturday we had a day long retreat about Soul Ties. I think I've mentioned them before, but they are essentially an emotional/physical/soulish connection to someone else. They can be good, but the ones we have been dealing with are the "bad guys" - the ones that connect you to someone LONG after the relationship/situation is over. You always lose something in the deal - whether it be purity, innocence, hope, trust, whatever. The good news: God is in the restoration business.

So, on this particular day, we were finally completely dealing with these. And other things. Vows and judgments. Strong men. It was good. Very good. There were some people there to pray for us, and as one who believes that spiritual gifts are in operation in the world today, I believe in that, and had things spoken over me that were amazing, and could only have been from God. For example, one woman said, "God sees you as His Hand Maiden." Well, she doesn't know me, has never met me. This may sound like a very BASIC thing to say to anyone - but, this morning, as I was reviewing my Name Meaning that I wrote out two weeks ago, I realized that the end of it says, "I am His Hand Maiden." Now see, I don't think that's a coincidence.

But - that's not even what this post is about. At the very beginning of the day, we watched this little video clip, and this gal was talking about how she asked God "What did you have in mind when You created me" and "How much do you love me" And I was thinking, "Huh. Good for you. Nice questions." And then they started playing some Worship songs, and I was thinking, "I don't know these songs, and there are no words for me to look at" and all of a sudden I saw this picture.

It was of a young girl - 16-20, and she had dark hair like I used to, but she was fairer than me, and I felt like God said, "That's your Birth Mom." And she was having a baby. (You know I'm adopted, right?) And then I felt like God said,

"I am the one who connected the egg and the sperm inside of her. I HAD to, because you had to have the exact DNA you have, because it was the only way to make you the way you needed to be. And your mom and dad needed you to be exactly who you are, because they needed YOU as their little girl. And they had to have a little girl. And she had to have YOUR smile, YOUR laughter, YOUR sunshine, YOUR inquisitive nature, YOUR love for learning. She had to be you."

"The shame and guilt and pain and disconnect that your Birth Mom felt was NOT attached to you. It had NOTHING to do with you. I was there in that room. I was her coach, and I was the one who caught you. I held you first, and I gave you to your parents. It just LOOKED like a Social Worker, but it was Me."

Now - you should know that one of the primary reasons I went on that Road Trip in July was to go to Bismarck, ND and go to the State Capitol to see what I could find out about my Birth parents. And I have completed and paid for the "Non-Identifying Information" request, to see what can be found out.

Please understand - this is not because I am, or ever HAVE been unhappy to be adopted. Indeed, I have always felt incredibly loved and wanted. I remember telling friends, when I was 7 or 8, that I was sorry that they were just HAD and not adopted, because I was picked. But, nevertheless, if the story is available for me to know this side of Heaven, I'd like to know.

And about three weeks ago, the gal who created this class came to our class and prayed for us. And when she was praying, one of the things she felt like the Lord was saying to her about me was, "Sohailah, you are one who wants answers. You LOVE answers. If you thought there was an answer for you at the North Pole, you would get on a flight, and live in an igloo to find the answer. But some answers are not to be found on this side of the curtain."

And that actually gave me peace.

But this weekend's experience was even more so.

Some of you may not be "into" this, or may be highly skeptical. That's okay. I didn't make it up. I wouldn't know how to, nor would I believe it if I did. If you know ME at all, you know I am not an emotional experience seeker. I am rational, yet working on trusting God. In greater ways. He is God, and I am not.

Thanks for reading.


  1. Thank you for allowing me to witness these little bits of your journey that you share with us here on this blog. I am so happy and excited for you Soholiah!!!!

  2. I. love. it.
    I KNOW that God works just like you're talking about- so what an amazing reassurance, and ministry straight from His heart to yours!

    As someone who is in the process to become an adoptive mom soon, I love seeing your heart as an adopted child. I actually had a dream a few months ago, that I was traveling to India and I was going to meet our child. But when I got there, I was sitting in a cafe, talking to a girl of about 16, and she was asking me all kinds of questions. She asked about our home, our family life, about the involvement of grandparents in our children's lives, etc... I woke up feeling really bewildered, until I felt the Lord speak to me that it was our birthmom, interviewing us, so that she would have some peace about us raising her child! wow.

    Only the Lord knows if you'll ever connect with your birth mom, but I wouldn't be surprised if the Lord has been giving her dreams and visions of beautiful you, all these years.


  3. Thanks, Sarah. I love that story. I believe it. I don't know if my Birth Mom thinks of me, or wants to know anything about me, or is still too steeped in shame and regret, but I'd like her to know that her "mistake" turned out well.

  4. Powerful story of your journey. I'm so excited for you and believe in you.