Saturday, March 6, 2010

A Year Ago Today

I was on a plane, bound for Africa. Desperate to get away and get some healing for my broken, broken heart.

With the support of the most amazing parents and best wishes from friends, I went, not knowing what to expect and too broken to even hope.

What I found was the most remarkable love and acceptance. Truthfully, I have that right here at home. But there - surrounded by precious children who were so free with their love and warm embraces, and women who were so full of grace and laughter, I couldn't help but begin to heal.

There were still really bad days... shaking with sobs that seemed they would NEVER end. Wondering WHY someone like me would be so rejected - wondering HOW someone like me could allow the pain to continue for so long. And starting to understand (and believe) that this was truly, the result of life with an addict. A clean addict. A pretty addict. A functioning in society addict. But, an addict, nonetheless.

I came back home afraid. Knowing I wasn't as strong as I wished I was, and feeling there was unfinished business that I needed resolved, I didn't keep the wall of silence. I allowed myself to be tucked back in.

And the result has been more pain and heartache. However, this time, I am NOT in the same place. Sad? Yes. However, something has broken inside me. Broken free. I wouldn't say I am in the clear yet, but something has broken.

And, I'm looking at a return trip to Africa. I tried several months ago to go back. It didn't pan out and looking back, I am grateful for that. So, though things are not certain, stay tuned - I believe there is more to come.


  1. I remember your posts from Africa and how you seemed at peace there. I am praying for you Soholiah and God's perfect will. He has one you know!!!!

  2. So glad you are in a better place. Growing is hard sometimes, but so worth the growing pains.

    Love you and see you NEXT SAT!!!