My class is drawing to a close. It has been a long, but very, VERY fruitful 13 weeks, thus far. Graduation is on Friday - which means, yes, I get to kiss Cowboy (FINALLY!) And of course, it means so much more than that.
There is a list of things I have to have for Graduation. Things that we've known about since the first day, and have been given the tools to find, create, arrive at (yes, I know - bad grammar).
Purity ring: Check
Dress: Check
Life purpose: Check
Life Scripture: Check
Name meaning: Check
Saturday we had a day long retreat about Soul Ties. I think I've mentioned them before, but they are essentially an emotional/physical/soulish connection to someone else. They can be good, but the ones we have been dealing with are the "bad guys" - the ones that connect you to someone LONG after the relationship/situation is over. You always lose something in the deal - whether it be purity, innocence, hope, trust, whatever. The good news: God is in the restoration business.
So, on this particular day, we were finally completely dealing with these. And other things. Vows and judgments. Strong men. It was good. Very good. There were some people there to pray for us, and as one who believes that spiritual gifts are in operation in the world today, I believe in that, and had things spoken over me that were amazing, and could only have been from God. For example, one woman said, "God sees you as His Hand Maiden." Well, she doesn't know me, has never met me. This may sound like a very BASIC thing to say to anyone - but, this morning, as I was reviewing my Name Meaning that I wrote out two weeks ago, I realized that the end of it says, "I am His Hand Maiden." Now see, I don't think that's a coincidence.
But - that's not even what this post is about. At the very beginning of the day, we watched this little video clip, and this gal was talking about how she asked God "What did you have in mind when You created me" and "How much do you love me" And I was thinking, "Huh. Good for you. Nice questions." And then they started playing some Worship songs, and I was thinking, "I don't know these songs, and there are no words for me to look at" and all of a sudden I saw this picture.
It was of a young girl - 16-20, and she had dark hair like I used to, but she was fairer than me, and I felt like God said, "That's your Birth Mom." And she was having a baby. (You know I'm adopted, right?) And then I felt like God said,
"I am the one who connected the egg and the sperm inside of her. I HAD to, because you had to have the exact DNA you have, because it was the only way to make you the way you needed to be. And your mom and dad needed you to be exactly who you are, because they needed YOU as their little girl. And they had to have a little girl. And she had to have YOUR smile, YOUR laughter, YOUR sunshine, YOUR inquisitive nature, YOUR love for learning. She had to be you."
"The shame and guilt and pain and disconnect that your Birth Mom felt was NOT attached to you. It had NOTHING to do with you. I was there in that room. I was her coach, and I was the one who caught you. I held you first, and I gave you to your parents. It just LOOKED like a Social Worker, but it was Me."
Now - you should know that one of the primary reasons I went on that Road Trip in July was to go to Bismarck, ND and go to the State Capitol to see what I could find out about my Birth parents. And I have completed and paid for the "Non-Identifying Information" request, to see what can be found out.
Please understand - this is not because I am, or ever HAVE been unhappy to be adopted. Indeed, I have always felt incredibly loved and wanted. I remember telling friends, when I was 7 or 8, that I was sorry that they were just HAD and not adopted, because I was picked. But, nevertheless, if the story is available for me to know this side of Heaven, I'd like to know.
And about three weeks ago, the gal who created this class came to our class and prayed for us. And when she was praying, one of the things she felt like the Lord was saying to her about me was, "Sohailah, you are one who wants answers. You LOVE answers. If you thought there was an answer for you at the North Pole, you would get on a flight, and live in an igloo to find the answer. But some answers are not to be found on this side of the curtain."
And that actually gave me peace.
But this weekend's experience was even more so.
Some of you may not be "into" this, or may be highly skeptical. That's okay. I didn't make it up. I wouldn't know how to, nor would I believe it if I did. If you know ME at all, you know I am not an emotional experience seeker. I am rational, yet working on trusting God. In greater ways. He is God, and I am not.
Thanks for reading.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Cowboy Tales Vol. 1
Cowboy came BACK for the weekend! Can you believe I saw him more days of the week than I DIDN'T see him? feeling very spoiled.
And then when he got here Friday night, he grilled the burgers. What. A. Guy.
Saturday morning we went running - 8 miles. The Tulsa Run (9.3) is October 30th, and I needed to get my long run in, and Cowboy, being the man that he is, went with me. And this being the THIRD time he's run in... let's see... 4 weeks... well, he didn't quite make the whole eight miles, but I had to walk for a bit, too... (what was I thinking, not taking the hydration thing seriously, the night before?)
(This is a really boring post, isn't it?)
But this was a really sweet movie. Not the BEST acting, but precious. It was my second time to see it, and I STILL cried - what did Cowboy do? Did he act uncomfortable, or make a wise crack? nope. We was just nice and sweet and passed me something to wipe my eyes with.
I taught him how to play Speed. He's not very good... it's about time I win at something with him.
And then we were off to Darlene's for a night of fun and games. And Cowboy was a true champ. The only man in the face of four women... and not a one of them quiet - well, me. I'm quiet. Comparatively. Yes, that's what I'm saying. And three 11 year olds.
(From left to right):Linda was my realtor and did so much more than help me find a home. She TAUGHT me how to look for a home. And my home is absolutely perfect for me. One NEVER knows what is going to come out of Linda's mouth, but it's always guaranteed to invite conversation.
Darlene is Kelly's mom - she is the one who told me to "Go back and talk to him, Girl!" Can I please look like her at 68? She has become a very dear friend to me over the last few years.
Kelly became my friend during a time of incredible personal struggle in my life, back in 2005. I can only hope to be the kind of friend to her she has always been to me.
Linda and Chloe - Chloe has such a heart to do what is right - I love this little one.
We played Take Two (similar to Scrabble? Kind of?) and Texas Hold 'em. Of COURSE he had to be the dealer the entire time. But, when he tried to set the cards up the way it's supposed to be... there would be NONE OF THAT. Because it's not how Donnie set them up the ONE OTHER TIME we played... (can we talk about the fact that Donnie only set them up that way, because of where he was sitting and teaching us how to play?)
Church Sunday, and the weekend was over much too quickly. But, man was it good.
And this is the mailbox that Cowboy fixed from TWO visits ago..
What it looked like (it would be GREAT for a little person - maybe that's why the postman kept delivering my mail...):
How he made it look (there is no bungee cord on it now, because he fixed that, too):o
See all those bags? Full of branches and leaves - 14 bags - from the over two hours he spent "trimming" my trees - he just said he'd take that back home with him and take care of it...
And this.... this was my bountiful harvest... (the keys are there for correct size perspective). I believe I will stick to herbs, flowers, tomatoes and peppers...
And then when he got here Friday night, he grilled the burgers. What. A. Guy.
Saturday morning we went running - 8 miles. The Tulsa Run (9.3) is October 30th, and I needed to get my long run in, and Cowboy, being the man that he is, went with me. And this being the THIRD time he's run in... let's see... 4 weeks... well, he didn't quite make the whole eight miles, but I had to walk for a bit, too... (what was I thinking, not taking the hydration thing seriously, the night before?)
(This is a really boring post, isn't it?)
But this was a really sweet movie. Not the BEST acting, but precious. It was my second time to see it, and I STILL cried - what did Cowboy do? Did he act uncomfortable, or make a wise crack? nope. We was just nice and sweet and passed me something to wipe my eyes with.
I taught him how to play Speed. He's not very good... it's about time I win at something with him.
And then we were off to Darlene's for a night of fun and games. And Cowboy was a true champ. The only man in the face of four women... and not a one of them quiet - well, me. I'm quiet. Comparatively. Yes, that's what I'm saying. And three 11 year olds.
(From left to right):Linda was my realtor and did so much more than help me find a home. She TAUGHT me how to look for a home. And my home is absolutely perfect for me. One NEVER knows what is going to come out of Linda's mouth, but it's always guaranteed to invite conversation.
Darlene is Kelly's mom - she is the one who told me to "Go back and talk to him, Girl!" Can I please look like her at 68? She has become a very dear friend to me over the last few years.
Kelly became my friend during a time of incredible personal struggle in my life, back in 2005. I can only hope to be the kind of friend to her she has always been to me.
Linda and Chloe - Chloe has such a heart to do what is right - I love this little one.
We played Take Two (similar to Scrabble? Kind of?) and Texas Hold 'em. Of COURSE he had to be the dealer the entire time. But, when he tried to set the cards up the way it's supposed to be... there would be NONE OF THAT. Because it's not how Donnie set them up the ONE OTHER TIME we played... (can we talk about the fact that Donnie only set them up that way, because of where he was sitting and teaching us how to play?)
Church Sunday, and the weekend was over much too quickly. But, man was it good.
And this is the mailbox that Cowboy fixed from TWO visits ago..
What it looked like (it would be GREAT for a little person - maybe that's why the postman kept delivering my mail...):
How he made it look (there is no bungee cord on it now, because he fixed that, too):o
See all those bags? Full of branches and leaves - 14 bags - from the over two hours he spent "trimming" my trees - he just said he'd take that back home with him and take care of it...
And this.... this was my bountiful harvest... (the keys are there for correct size perspective). I believe I will stick to herbs, flowers, tomatoes and peppers...
Thursday, October 14, 2010
My Turn, Your Turn
I've been tagged by Susan of Penless Writer. I'm to answer the following 8 questions made up by Susan, make up 8 questions of my own, and then tag 8 of you to answer my questions.
Sooooo, ready......... set .......... let's GO!!
#1. If money were no object what would you like to do that you've never been able to do or have always wanted to do?
Sail around the world for a year with my husband, stopping at ports whenever we felt like it.
#2. If you could have "do overs" what is the 1 thing you would never do again? And why? Really, nothing. And the very private one thing, I would only tell Cowboy.
#3. If you could have "do overs" what is the 1 thing you would want to be absolutely, positively sure you did again? And why? Live this exact same life that I’ve lived up until now, because every part of it (even the mistakes and the waiting and the wondering) has made me who I am today, and I really like who I am.
#4 What is your worst fear? I’m working on not having one, but up until not that long ago, it was that I would fail. OR that whatever went wrong was my fault. I have lived under a ridiculous lie that I am responsible for other people’s happiness, and therefore, unhappiness, and that “things” (you pick ‘em) depend on me being perfect.
#5. What is your greatest joy? My family, friends and new relationship. (And I must say, being with Cowboy has heightened my sense of gratefulness for my very rich circle of family and friends.) They, all of them (you!) are truly at the very top of any list in life. They all excel at everything they do – whether it be in a profession, living life or loving those around them, they are passionate about life. They LOVE me, they encourage me, they bless me. They help me relax, rest, enjoy life and give myself a break from the enormous pressure that I, alone, can tend to put on myself. I am rich beyond belief, and it IS my greatest joy.
#6. What is your life verse, or if you don't have one, your favorite Bible verse? Life verse: Philippians 2:14- 16 "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.
#7. What church do you attend? And why?
First United Methodist Church in downtown Tulsa. I originally went because my friend Kendra invited me. I stayed because, although I am comfortable in every kind of spiritual setting, from extremely charismatic to Catholic, I love the balance and blend at FUMC. Our pastor is honest and real and wise. My Sunday School class brings community into the mix, and the building is breathtaking. Built at a time when building a church was a man’s life work, and a way for him to honor God.
#8. If you knew you only have 1 year to live, what is the first thing you would do?
I’d start writing letters and making video recordings for my family and friends – remembering stories, sharing my heart, and encouraging them. If at that time I had children, I would try to preserve some thoughts for them about the future, for future times. I would make sure my husband knew he was released to find love again. I would travel to Ireland, Scotland, Fiji and Iran.
My 8 questions for you:
1) What is your favorite thing to do when you have “down time” and why?
2) If you could “change jobs” right now, and it would have absolutely no bearing on anything financially or relationally in your life, what would you do?
3) Do you play an instrument or sing? If so, what? If not, why not?
4) What was your favorite extra-curricular activity in high school?
5) What is the one belief in your head that you KNOW is a lie, but still have to battle?
6) Favorite type of food and why? And a memory of eating that food – with whom, where, when, etc.
7) Cats or dogs? Why?
8) If you had a plane ticket to anywhere in the world to go to RIGHT NOW, where would you want it to be to?
These 8 people are tagged (in alphabetical order):
1) Aisha
2) Anita
3) Beth (of Hazel and Blue)
4) Corinne
5) Gayla
6) Ginger
7) Heidi Jo
8) Karen
Sooooo, ready......... set .......... let's GO!!
#1. If money were no object what would you like to do that you've never been able to do or have always wanted to do?
Sail around the world for a year with my husband, stopping at ports whenever we felt like it.
#2. If you could have "do overs" what is the 1 thing you would never do again? And why? Really, nothing. And the very private one thing, I would only tell Cowboy.
#3. If you could have "do overs" what is the 1 thing you would want to be absolutely, positively sure you did again? And why? Live this exact same life that I’ve lived up until now, because every part of it (even the mistakes and the waiting and the wondering) has made me who I am today, and I really like who I am.
#4 What is your worst fear? I’m working on not having one, but up until not that long ago, it was that I would fail. OR that whatever went wrong was my fault. I have lived under a ridiculous lie that I am responsible for other people’s happiness, and therefore, unhappiness, and that “things” (you pick ‘em) depend on me being perfect.
#5. What is your greatest joy? My family, friends and new relationship. (And I must say, being with Cowboy has heightened my sense of gratefulness for my very rich circle of family and friends.) They, all of them (you!) are truly at the very top of any list in life. They all excel at everything they do – whether it be in a profession, living life or loving those around them, they are passionate about life. They LOVE me, they encourage me, they bless me. They help me relax, rest, enjoy life and give myself a break from the enormous pressure that I, alone, can tend to put on myself. I am rich beyond belief, and it IS my greatest joy.
#6. What is your life verse, or if you don't have one, your favorite Bible verse? Life verse: Philippians 2:14- 16 "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.
#7. What church do you attend? And why?
First United Methodist Church in downtown Tulsa. I originally went because my friend Kendra invited me. I stayed because, although I am comfortable in every kind of spiritual setting, from extremely charismatic to Catholic, I love the balance and blend at FUMC. Our pastor is honest and real and wise. My Sunday School class brings community into the mix, and the building is breathtaking. Built at a time when building a church was a man’s life work, and a way for him to honor God.
#8. If you knew you only have 1 year to live, what is the first thing you would do?
I’d start writing letters and making video recordings for my family and friends – remembering stories, sharing my heart, and encouraging them. If at that time I had children, I would try to preserve some thoughts for them about the future, for future times. I would make sure my husband knew he was released to find love again. I would travel to Ireland, Scotland, Fiji and Iran.
My 8 questions for you:
1) What is your favorite thing to do when you have “down time” and why?
2) If you could “change jobs” right now, and it would have absolutely no bearing on anything financially or relationally in your life, what would you do?
3) Do you play an instrument or sing? If so, what? If not, why not?
4) What was your favorite extra-curricular activity in high school?
5) What is the one belief in your head that you KNOW is a lie, but still have to battle?
6) Favorite type of food and why? And a memory of eating that food – with whom, where, when, etc.
7) Cats or dogs? Why?
8) If you had a plane ticket to anywhere in the world to go to RIGHT NOW, where would you want it to be to?
These 8 people are tagged (in alphabetical order):
1) Aisha
2) Anita
3) Beth (of Hazel and Blue)
4) Corinne
5) Gayla
6) Ginger
7) Heidi Jo
8) Karen
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Week Eleven
about this class I'm taking. I refer to it as Purpose and Destiny, but in all honesty, it's called "In Search of Purpose en route to Destiny." It used to be called "Purity with a Purpose." And that's what I think it really is, but I think Chene' thought married people wouldn't take it, or only "HARD-CORE" people would take it. (Not sure what I mean by that, but the crazy thing is, I know YOU know what I'm trying to say)
It has been so much more revealing than I ever thought. I LOVE this. So many things that are in my face. A.very.clear.mirror. And the timing of God continues to surprise me. (Which I know is ridiculous, since He is God and all). But, still. And I LOVE the way He seems to always come in through the back door in my life, and then voila! He's right there in the foyer, ringing the dinner bell.
For example, I signed up for the class to deal with leftover M residue. And I said No to tours, so that I could keep the 14 week commitment, so that I could graduate. And I knew this would be tricky, financially. And I still have to do some deep breathing, occasionally, but it's only because I'm a freak, not because I have any financial worries (although the deep breathing is because I get FREAKED OUT about not having money, although I do...I know, I know, it is not fair to anyone to take them down the path of my crazy mind. Sorry!)
The LAST thing I expected was to meet Cowboy in the middle of Week Three. And only God could have orchestrated it. Remember how I applied for THREE teaching jobs? Two in Broken Arrow, for which I assumed I was a total shoe-in - heck, they love me in BA, and have asked me over the past three years to come back. And I didn't even get an interview. And then one in Owasso, where a friend of mine teaches, and the VERY DAY I asked her about the job she was going in to meet with the principal, and I sent her my resume, and blah, blah Ginger, the position was filled a few days earlier. And I wasn't upset, because I am absolutely convinced that God knows what He is doing, and if He wanted me to teach, I would be teaching. (Although, you KNOW you are living on the down side of middle class when you start salivating at all the money you would be making if you were a teacher...)
And then, August 10th - I met Cowboy. At a reception I volunteered to help with through the company I was temping for. And where would I have NOT been had I received a teaching position? And God certainly doesn't have to show His hand like that, but He's so amazing to do so. I don't know where it will lead, but it is really, really fun for right now.
And that kissing commitment that I made. Seriously - I gave up chocolate, wine GILMORE GIRLS, and "Oh yeah, Lord, I won't kiss a guy until the class is over, either." (Kind of like the serpent being told by God that he had to CRAWL on his belly for the rest of his life... I hadn't kissed a guy for over a year - Gilmore Girls was a bigger sacrifice...)
So - what are your God Sightings, these days?
It has been so much more revealing than I ever thought. I LOVE this. So many things that are in my face. A.very.clear.mirror. And the timing of God continues to surprise me. (Which I know is ridiculous, since He is God and all). But, still. And I LOVE the way He seems to always come in through the back door in my life, and then voila! He's right there in the foyer, ringing the dinner bell.
For example, I signed up for the class to deal with leftover M residue. And I said No to tours, so that I could keep the 14 week commitment, so that I could graduate. And I knew this would be tricky, financially. And I still have to do some deep breathing, occasionally, but it's only because I'm a freak, not because I have any financial worries (although the deep breathing is because I get FREAKED OUT about not having money, although I do...I know, I know, it is not fair to anyone to take them down the path of my crazy mind. Sorry!)
The LAST thing I expected was to meet Cowboy in the middle of Week Three. And only God could have orchestrated it. Remember how I applied for THREE teaching jobs? Two in Broken Arrow, for which I assumed I was a total shoe-in - heck, they love me in BA, and have asked me over the past three years to come back. And I didn't even get an interview. And then one in Owasso, where a friend of mine teaches, and the VERY DAY I asked her about the job she was going in to meet with the principal, and I sent her my resume, and blah, blah Ginger, the position was filled a few days earlier. And I wasn't upset, because I am absolutely convinced that God knows what He is doing, and if He wanted me to teach, I would be teaching. (Although, you KNOW you are living on the down side of middle class when you start salivating at all the money you would be making if you were a teacher...)
And then, August 10th - I met Cowboy. At a reception I volunteered to help with through the company I was temping for. And where would I have NOT been had I received a teaching position? And God certainly doesn't have to show His hand like that, but He's so amazing to do so. I don't know where it will lead, but it is really, really fun for right now.
And that kissing commitment that I made. Seriously - I gave up chocolate, wine GILMORE GIRLS, and "Oh yeah, Lord, I won't kiss a guy until the class is over, either." (Kind of like the serpent being told by God that he had to CRAWL on his belly for the rest of his life... I hadn't kissed a guy for over a year - Gilmore Girls was a bigger sacrifice...)
So - what are your God Sightings, these days?
Friday, October 8, 2010
In Your Opinion
Looks good there, doesn't it?
But, I don't drink milk. Blech. A tall glass of the white stuff makes my stomach turn. But, I buy it in the half gallon, because it's one of those things I don't want to NOT have, if I'm cooking...
So - here's where I welcome your opinion...
what if I just buy dry milk and then make it up for recipes? Is there a significant taste difference? Is that faulty thinking? Come on, milk drinkers, come on chefs and bakers... lay it on me!
Do I keep pouring $2.17 down the drain, or do I buy dry?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
His name is Cowboy
And he is wonderful. I wonder how he feels about me telling "my world" that I think he's wonderful (but I DO have permission). I wouldn't call him shy, but he certainly doesn't announce himself to the world. He doesn't have to - meet him once, and he makes an impression. A good one. That lasts.
He didn't "have me at hello", because I saw him before he saw me, and I'm pretty sure I blushed just looking at him. I think he took my breath away. I know he does now. There's just something about him. This easy grace. This relaxed aura (SUCH a cheesy word, but a better description eludes me, at the moment)
He lives in Oklahoma City. At this point, it's probably good that he lives almost two hours away, because when I'm with him, conversation eludes me. (I know, you need a minute to recover from the previous statement). And our conversations are so wonderful, because he's SMART and ARTICULATE and ... yes, it's true... he has GREAT GRAMMAR! (come on now, you know what that does to me...)
He knows I'm taking this "Purpose and Destiny" course, and although he may secretly think it's a little crazy, he has been very supportive of all my decisions about the course (like no kissing until after Graduation) - I am SO thankful I made that decision before I met him, or I never would have been able to make it. And honestly, for me, it's fun to have the anticipation of that first kiss. (TMI, Cowboy? They all know, anyway...) Delayed gratification isn't something we really have a lot of in our country/culture, so I'm enjoying it (again - easier with him living almost two hours away).
Cowboy takes care of me. He fixed my mailbox. He MANICURED my yard - I don't know what else to call it - Weed ate (past tense?), edged, mowed...every blade of grass looks perfect. And then he swept every speck of grass off my driveway. And I DARE a weed to show it's face - even in the cracks of my driveway, they are no longer allowed to reside.
There is NOTHING cowboy about him, but he still chuckles when I call him that - which I do, all the time. And I'm not sure why I do, but he lets me, and that's one more thing I like about him.
And... he told me last weekend would be "to die for", and he was absolutely correct.
He is a great adventure, and I am so enjoying the ride.
Friday, October 1, 2010
SERIOUSLY!?
What in the world?!?
I can only think of that verse when Paul says, "You were running a good race? Who cut in and kept you from obeying the truth?" Well, I could only remember up to "who cut in", so I looked it up, and saw verse 8, also that says, "That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you."
Good words. I have been having a great past few months. Probably more than that, but the past few have been particularly good. Feeling strong, happy, content, peaceful, dealing with anxiety over my "full-time temporary employment status", knowing that God always HAS taken care of me in the past, so why wouldn't He now, etc.
And then yesterday, out of the BLUE, I felt like I got hit by a TRAIN - and I didn't think I put myself on the tracks. And it wasn't one particular thing, really.
But, I DO know what it all boils down to - the same old battle. Fear. I'm not good enough, I need to be careful, I need to make sure I don't mess it up (whatever "it" happens to be = fill in the blank) - and this of course, is really not fear as much as it is pride, right? Pride - I can do it all by myself (whatever "it" is).
Sick. Pathetic. Blech.
So, what do I end up doing? Crying. No, seriously. In Lowes... because I was tired and frustrated and going in to buy a mailbox post.I have a friend who is going to help me install it Saturday, (since it was run OVER two weeks ago... thanks for the "Sorry I knocked over your mailbox"), so I thought I'd go pick one up. There were TWO LOWES GUYS standing not 15 feet from where I was, and they were talking to each other. ANd they saw me, because we made eye contact. These posts are on a shelf 3 feet off the ground. Okay - at 5'2", this doesn't start well for me. So I lean it forward, but it gets caught on the rope they have there (to keep them from falling over?...), and so I have to try to maneuver it under the rope, and when I lean it back, it hits the back shelf and something falls off on the next aisle over (I heard it clatter to the ground) and THEN one of the Lowes guys walks over and says ( oh, SERIOUSLY?!?! he SAYS this to me??!) "What are you breaking?" I was so IRRITATED! I said, "You know, couldn't care less". (GREAT RESPONSE!) And he WATCHES me lift the post and take it off the shelf, and oh yeah, THEN, when I'm HOLDING it, and get it ON the cart, he tries to move it so it will stay on. And I'm thinking, "Yeah - ton of help, aren't ya?" And I say, "Thanks" and walk off and am just so irritated that
1) I didn't go up to one of them and ASK for help in the first place and
2) That I couldn't do it myself and
3) That as I'm walking off I start CRYING... seriously?!?
So, I compose myself and decide that I am going to buy some flowers for my yard - because what girl doesn't like flowers.
I find some great flowers, and am happily standing in line to pay, and this sweet young 22-ish year old boy with his many tattooed arms is checking me out, and he says (in this sweet, kind voice) "Ma'am, we have some plastic over there if you'd like some for your car, so it doesn't get dirt on it." And... I start crying. Because he was nice...
BROTHER!
So, I went home, had an irritating phone call with someone who owes me money, and is being very controlling in how he pays it (just enough to say he's paid, but dragging it out so it seems it will NEVER be over), and decide I am not in a position to be worth anything to anyone, so I went to bed at 10. So I could get up at 4:30 to take a friend to the airport.
All that to say, I let someone cut in on my race, and am trying to deal with the pride that I didn't see creep in, and why can't I just be a better person?! Oh - right, that's why I need a Savior. So thankful that He is patient and good and doesn't give me what I deserve.
Today will be better.
I can only think of that verse when Paul says, "You were running a good race? Who cut in and kept you from obeying the truth?" Well, I could only remember up to "who cut in", so I looked it up, and saw verse 8, also that says, "That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you."
Good words. I have been having a great past few months. Probably more than that, but the past few have been particularly good. Feeling strong, happy, content, peaceful, dealing with anxiety over my "full-time temporary employment status", knowing that God always HAS taken care of me in the past, so why wouldn't He now, etc.
And then yesterday, out of the BLUE, I felt like I got hit by a TRAIN - and I didn't think I put myself on the tracks. And it wasn't one particular thing, really.
But, I DO know what it all boils down to - the same old battle. Fear. I'm not good enough, I need to be careful, I need to make sure I don't mess it up (whatever "it" happens to be = fill in the blank) - and this of course, is really not fear as much as it is pride, right? Pride - I can do it all by myself (whatever "it" is).
Sick. Pathetic. Blech.
So, what do I end up doing? Crying. No, seriously. In Lowes... because I was tired and frustrated and going in to buy a mailbox post.I have a friend who is going to help me install it Saturday, (since it was run OVER two weeks ago... thanks for the "Sorry I knocked over your mailbox"), so I thought I'd go pick one up. There were TWO LOWES GUYS standing not 15 feet from where I was, and they were talking to each other. ANd they saw me, because we made eye contact. These posts are on a shelf 3 feet off the ground. Okay - at 5'2", this doesn't start well for me. So I lean it forward, but it gets caught on the rope they have there (to keep them from falling over?...), and so I have to try to maneuver it under the rope, and when I lean it back, it hits the back shelf and something falls off on the next aisle over (I heard it clatter to the ground) and THEN one of the Lowes guys walks over and says ( oh, SERIOUSLY?!?! he SAYS this to me??!) "What are you breaking?" I was so IRRITATED! I said, "You know, couldn't care less". (GREAT RESPONSE!) And he WATCHES me lift the post and take it off the shelf, and oh yeah, THEN, when I'm HOLDING it, and get it ON the cart, he tries to move it so it will stay on. And I'm thinking, "Yeah - ton of help, aren't ya?" And I say, "Thanks" and walk off and am just so irritated that
1) I didn't go up to one of them and ASK for help in the first place and
2) That I couldn't do it myself and
3) That as I'm walking off I start CRYING... seriously?!?
So, I compose myself and decide that I am going to buy some flowers for my yard - because what girl doesn't like flowers.
I find some great flowers, and am happily standing in line to pay, and this sweet young 22-ish year old boy with his many tattooed arms is checking me out, and he says (in this sweet, kind voice) "Ma'am, we have some plastic over there if you'd like some for your car, so it doesn't get dirt on it." And... I start crying. Because he was nice...
BROTHER!
So, I went home, had an irritating phone call with someone who owes me money, and is being very controlling in how he pays it (just enough to say he's paid, but dragging it out so it seems it will NEVER be over), and decide I am not in a position to be worth anything to anyone, so I went to bed at 10. So I could get up at 4:30 to take a friend to the airport.
All that to say, I let someone cut in on my race, and am trying to deal with the pride that I didn't see creep in, and why can't I just be a better person?! Oh - right, that's why I need a Savior. So thankful that He is patient and good and doesn't give me what I deserve.
Today will be better.
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